Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Well, I still hate Christmas. Even though Jett's presence and being a family of 4 with my partner and her son makes it better Christmas is still not right. I miss Taite and Seth and have a hole in my heart, no matter how many beautiful people I have in my life. Taite and Seth will always be missing.

I think Christmas will always be a little traumatic, as I clearly remember Christmas 2008, it was 22 days after I lost my firstborn sons. I hated life, I hated Christmas, I hated that the world was still turning and not only turning, but people were HAPPY!!

I hate that Christmas will always be forever tainted. I try not to show it though. Jett and my family don't deserve to have their Christmas spirit dampened but sometimes it's just hard.

Anyway, it's another Christmas gone and another year started without 2 of my babies.... Life goes on..

Friday, November 22, 2013

Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful son's...

The anticipation of another birthday without my firstborns sucked, but as usual the lead up was worse than the day. The night before I felt good and in the morning I felt good. Waking up to Jett is just divine and makes me feel so lucky.

So tonight I have friends coming from NSW and our place was a pigsty so I dropped Jett at Mum's so we could clean in peace. Then I gathered Taite & Seth's urn, their puppies and some candles and Mum, Nae Jett and I went to the chapel.

It was even more beautiful than I remember. .. I had felt fine all morning but started to feel sick on the drive there. When we got there my breath was taken away. All the emotion but also beauty.

We took some pics by the lake then the woman arrived to show us through. Krista was lovely and said I could just call her whenever I wanted to come through again.

Mum and I both had tears but it was so nice. We got some really nice pics. After that we had lunch at the golf club.

That night, I lit their candles and we had a cupcake. Jett sang Happy Birthday it was the cutest thing everrrr!

Such a beautiful peaceful day, and we have found our new tradition.

♥Happy 5th birthday My Precious Sons, I can't believe how fast time has gone. Always loved, Never forgotten.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Time for Taite and Seth

On Thursday night I went to a bereavement support meeting. I have only been once since my rainbow has been born because I don't feel comfortable leaving him. Now that he's older though, I am thinking I might start going again.. Not every month, but just sometimes..

The meeting was good. (Well as good as a support group can be when you talk about dead babies) It felt good to tell the story of my beautiful babies to someone who had never heard it. I showed photo's of them that I still keep in my phone. I showed my tattoos of their tiny footprints.

It was really strange though listening to other people's stories.. I am so far along in my grief now compared to these poor people that have just lost their babies. You can see they are just in pure shock, sad, angry and all the other things you feel when your baby dies. It is when I see people so fresh in their grief I realise how far I've come.. I NEVER thought I'd function again, let alone smile and dare I say learn to actually LIVE and not just exist.. I left there feeling so glad I am not back there..Even though grief is everchanging, I still ride the waves and sometimes the waves are huge and crash over me leaving me struggling to get up,I guess It just really does feel different now??

I still have a lot of guilt.. I am on a prem FB page and sometimes you hear of all the 'miracle stories' of the babes that had grade IV brain bleeds and they are healthy children now.. It's really hard to read.. It's hard to read all the 'Never give up' messages.. I don't like to think I gave up.. Logically I don't think I did.. But, I guess it depends what day you catch me on.. Some days are better than others..

I don't post a lot here anymore, I am part of a close knit bereavement group on FB so I post in there if I feel I need to. I should really post here though, as I like to think that I may be helping someone who publically comes across this blog for whatever reason.. I never would have got through without the support I recieved online and through the support group.. Baby loss can be so isolating.. Unless you have been through it, you don't understand, no matter how hard you may try. That's the reason I started this blog, to try and give back and let a newly bereaved family know they are not alone... Anyway, I'll wrap it up there.. I'll be back :)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas my sweet Angels

Considering this is my 4th Christmas without Taite and Seth, you'd think I'd know by now how painful it is.. I am missing my boys so much. I really wish they were here. Although it's painful, I am one of the lucky ones who got to wake up to my take home baby this morning. There was nothing sweeter and it truly makes this Christmas the best Christmas EVER!I feel so very very lucky, but my family will always be incomplete. This Christmas they would have been old enough to understand the excitement of Santa and presents. Their little faces would have lit up in amazement to see that Santa had been. Their little imaginations would have run wild as they tried to speculate how Santa actually got in and left the presents. *Sigh, I will get to see that one day with my beautiful rainbow baby, but it should be this year. Taite and Seth SHOULD be here. I SHOULD have 3 children with me this Christmas.. Taite and Seth will never ever be forgotten and they are forever missed.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?

I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth.

Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground.

Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.

If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas..

Wow, it is the 2nd of December..

21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.

The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol

The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.

So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did.

I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.

Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xx

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Birthdays and Balloons..

What a week we've had and my boys have sure been missed. This week the twins little brother turned 1. I planned a party with excitement but also with a hint of sadness. This should not have been the first party I planned..

The theme for Baby Button's party was jay Jay the Jet Plane. We had a helium balloon and today I suggested we should let it go so Taite and Seth can play with it.. Baby Button gave a great big smile :)

Watching Baby Button grow has been truley amazing. I often wonder what Taite and Seth would look like. Would they be challenging feeders like their brother? Would they sleep, how would they interact?

I miss Taite and Seth so much. I can't believe it's coming up to their 4th birthday! I am planning a balloon release, hopefully Mum will be here for it too :)

Not a day goes by where Taite and Seth aren't thought of.. I often picture them hovering above, perfect angels, sprinkling angel dust that symbolises love and protection..

Love you my Sons xxx

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I miss my big boys. I am so lucky to have my beautiful miracle take home baby, but I will never be truly complete. It is unfair that my first born babies aren't here.. I love you Taite and Seth xx

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle