I'd been feeling really shitty around the beginning of this month. I put it down to PMS... Then I realised the date.. It was around the 3rd of June. 6 and a half years exactly since my babies died... Funny, how subconsciously dates can affect you. A similar thing happened around March/April (March would have been Taite and Seth's due date).. I hadn't been to a baby loss support meeting in a long time, but I felt the need to go. It was strange. I didn't know why I needed to go, or even if I'd get anything out of it. I went anyway. Driving there I got that nervous feeling I used to always get. Butterflies and a little anxiety. It was a different group as Bonnie Babes doesn't run anymore. I felt excited to tell my story to people who had never heard it before, but still felt apprehensive. I have found it hard to share my story the further time goes on, which seems strange, but it is what it is and I don't know why.
So I went to this meeting. Th woman that ran the meeting was a psychologist. I found that strange as I'd only really ever had peer support. The women that went were both pregnant (I had been told this before I went) and it had been about a year since they lost their babies. It was so strange, hearing the clarity in the way they told their story. Their memories were still so fresh... It is really strange to think about how much I have forgotten. At the time, you never think you will, but you do... 6 years along and some memories have faded... It makes me sad in some ways, but I also recognise that it's part of moving on. It's a protective mechanism. Grief brings me closer to my boys, but I couldn't stay in deep grief forever, so it really is a double edged sword.
So the meeting was god. I'm glad I went, but I haven't been since. I might go this month if I'm not working.
Another wave of grief has hit this month. I think about Taite and Seth every day, it it doesn't really make me sad, as such, they are just part of my life. I can tell when the wave hits though because I can't think of them without feeling sad...
It's still hard to believe sometimes that this is my reality.. I have birthed 3 children, but only have 1 here (Who I'm sooo incredibly grateful for!)
I don't write much anymore. Especially here. Partly due to time, partly due to the fact I don't know what to say. I've been saying the same thing for 6 and a half years now. I read another babyloss blog last night and her words resonated with me.. She pretty much said a similar thing, she doesn't write anymore because she's only repeating herself. "I miss you, I love you" What else is there to say?
I'm planning to do a butterfly release this year for their birthday. I must get my act together though... The time always creeps up on me, but if I want to do this I need to plan ahead!
I had a photo pendant of Taite and Seth, which broke, so I bought something similar. I love it. I love having them close to me in SOME way. The only way I can.
Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you and wishes you were here. I wish I could know who you'd grow up to be. Instead I just hope that you 2 are watching down on your little brother and I and know that you will be forever in our hearts. Mummy loves you.
kintsugi: the beauty of brokenness
6 days ago