Thursday, November 27, 2014

Taite and Seth's 6th birthday.... How my grief has changed.

November 21st was my twins 6th birthday. It was a nice day. Mum and I took a nice walk around the chapel, then went for a yummy lunch. I picked the kids up from school and day care and we had a swim then did a cake with sparklers. I got a really gorgeous video
of Jett singing Happy birthday.

I didn't cry. I don't speak about them as often as I used to and when I do, it's not with the same intensity. Things have changed. I love them and they are very much a part of the family. Their 'stuff' is around. They're brother knows about them. But yes, there are many layers added to what was once intense grief.. I am now parenting living children, I'm back at work, I'm studying and yes, life is happening. I felt so guilty, so alone. Confused by this change. I feel I don't fit in. I'm not a mother who has ever lost a child, but I'm a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either... I don't need to feel guilty, because this is a natural progression, but somehow I do. "You're grief is as deep as your love" I still love them. That will never change, and some days I can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief, but those days are few and far between now, but does that mean that I love them less? I've read some blogs from parents who have lost babies around the same time and it does make my feelings seem 'normal'. I spoke to a friend who lost her babies over 10 years ago and she said she stopped crying probably around the 6 year mark. I guess it's just strange for me because I have never not cried on their birthday. Anyway, their anniversary is Wednesday, maybe I'll cry then??

Friday, November 21, 2014

Happy 6th Birthday my Angels

Wow, 6 years! I say it every year, but I can't believe it. Time goes so fast, yet can sometimes seem like yesterday. Today I am planning to visit the chapel their funeral was held at. It's so beautiful. Then have a nice lunch with Mum, then in the arvo do a cake, candles and balloons in the afternoon with the kids. Jett still doesn't understand, but I still talk about Taite and Seth all the time.

I wrote a birthday poem for my babies:

My Birthday Boys, up in the stars
6 years old, it's gone so fast
I really wish you were here on Earth
So we could help you celebrate the day of your birth.
Instead I imagine you both with your wings,
up in the stars with lovely things,
having a party with cake and balloons
while your angel friends sing you birthday tunes.
Mummy misses you and wishes you were here
I'd love nothing more than to hold you near
You're both in my heart and thought of every day
but today is special, cos it's your birthday!

I was actually really proud of that poem. I was looking for poems, but couldn't find one that 'fit'. A lot of poems now reflect the deep intense grief that is felt, or more focused on 'babies'. My babies wouldn't be babies anymore. This is really the first year I don't see them as babies like I did. It's strange though because I only knew them as babies, so I guess they always will be.


It's amazing how grief changes over time. Parenting a living baby is really so exhausting. When Taite and Seth died, before I knew what it was like to actually parent a child 24/7 I put parenthood on a pedestal. I think my expectations were so high. I thought I'd be the perfect mother.... But I'm not. Some days I struggle, I get frustrated, tired and all the *normal* things that come with being a mum. This brings new challenges for me though. I was a mum for 3 years before I brought a baby home, yet I had no idea what it was like.

I feel so guilty. How can I want a break from my beautiful child that is here, yet cry and grieve for the ones that aren't. On hard days, I often find myself thinking that they died because I would have been a crap mum. The guilt, the guilt, does it ever go?

I do my best to parent all of my children. Today I even struggled with whether I should send Jett to day care or not.... I decided to though. I decided that Taite and Seth, although thought of often, they don't get 'time'. Time where it's all about them. I do talk about them still, but this far down the track I don't always mention them when asked how many children I have. Sometimes I even get uncomfortable talking about them, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Then I feel guilty for that. Anyway, I guess this is just something I have to live with. It is what it is and I need to go with it.

Anyway, enough of the depressing crap. I am going to get ready and celebrate the day I became a mum! The day 2 very special little boys entered the world and changed my life forever.

Taite and Seth, Mummy loves you so much. I hope where ever you are, you know my love for you will never fade. You will always be my firstborn sons. The day you died I lost a piece of my heart and I'll always miss you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy. 'Some people only dream of Angels, I held 2 in my arms' xxxx

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Well, I still hate Christmas. Even though Jett's presence and being a family of 4 with my partner and her son makes it better Christmas is still not right. I miss Taite and Seth and have a hole in my heart, no matter how many beautiful people I have in my life. Taite and Seth will always be missing.

I think Christmas will always be a little traumatic, as I clearly remember Christmas 2008, it was 22 days after I lost my firstborn sons. I hated life, I hated Christmas, I hated that the world was still turning and not only turning, but people were HAPPY!!

I hate that Christmas will always be forever tainted. I try not to show it though. Jett and my family don't deserve to have their Christmas spirit dampened but sometimes it's just hard.

Anyway, it's another Christmas gone and another year started without 2 of my babies.... Life goes on..

Friday, November 22, 2013

Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful son's...

The anticipation of another birthday without my firstborns sucked, but as usual the lead up was worse than the day. The night before I felt good and in the morning I felt good. Waking up to Jett is just divine and makes me feel so lucky.

So tonight I have friends coming from NSW and our place was a pigsty so I dropped Jett at Mum's so we could clean in peace. Then I gathered Taite & Seth's urn, their puppies and some candles and Mum, Nae Jett and I went to the chapel.

It was even more beautiful than I remember. .. I had felt fine all morning but started to feel sick on the drive there. When we got there my breath was taken away. All the emotion but also beauty.

We took some pics by the lake then the woman arrived to show us through. Krista was lovely and said I could just call her whenever I wanted to come through again.

Mum and I both had tears but it was so nice. We got some really nice pics. After that we had lunch at the golf club.

That night, I lit their candles and we had a cupcake. Jett sang Happy Birthday it was the cutest thing everrrr!

Such a beautiful peaceful day, and we have found our new tradition.

♥Happy 5th birthday My Precious Sons, I can't believe how fast time has gone. Always loved, Never forgotten.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Time for Taite and Seth

On Thursday night I went to a bereavement support meeting. I have only been once since my rainbow has been born because I don't feel comfortable leaving him. Now that he's older though, I am thinking I might start going again.. Not every month, but just sometimes..

The meeting was good. (Well as good as a support group can be when you talk about dead babies) It felt good to tell the story of my beautiful babies to someone who had never heard it. I showed photo's of them that I still keep in my phone. I showed my tattoos of their tiny footprints.

It was really strange though listening to other people's stories.. I am so far along in my grief now compared to these poor people that have just lost their babies. You can see they are just in pure shock, sad, angry and all the other things you feel when your baby dies. It is when I see people so fresh in their grief I realise how far I've come.. I NEVER thought I'd function again, let alone smile and dare I say learn to actually LIVE and not just exist.. I left there feeling so glad I am not back there..Even though grief is everchanging, I still ride the waves and sometimes the waves are huge and crash over me leaving me struggling to get up,I guess It just really does feel different now??

I still have a lot of guilt.. I am on a prem FB page and sometimes you hear of all the 'miracle stories' of the babes that had grade IV brain bleeds and they are healthy children now.. It's really hard to read.. It's hard to read all the 'Never give up' messages.. I don't like to think I gave up.. Logically I don't think I did.. But, I guess it depends what day you catch me on.. Some days are better than others..

I don't post a lot here anymore, I am part of a close knit bereavement group on FB so I post in there if I feel I need to. I should really post here though, as I like to think that I may be helping someone who publically comes across this blog for whatever reason.. I never would have got through without the support I recieved online and through the support group.. Baby loss can be so isolating.. Unless you have been through it, you don't understand, no matter how hard you may try. That's the reason I started this blog, to try and give back and let a newly bereaved family know they are not alone... Anyway, I'll wrap it up there.. I'll be back :)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas my sweet Angels

Considering this is my 4th Christmas without Taite and Seth, you'd think I'd know by now how painful it is.. I am missing my boys so much. I really wish they were here. Although it's painful, I am one of the lucky ones who got to wake up to my take home baby this morning. There was nothing sweeter and it truly makes this Christmas the best Christmas EVER!I feel so very very lucky, but my family will always be incomplete. This Christmas they would have been old enough to understand the excitement of Santa and presents. Their little faces would have lit up in amazement to see that Santa had been. Their little imaginations would have run wild as they tried to speculate how Santa actually got in and left the presents. *Sigh, I will get to see that one day with my beautiful rainbow baby, but it should be this year. Taite and Seth SHOULD be here. I SHOULD have 3 children with me this Christmas.. Taite and Seth will never ever be forgotten and they are forever missed.

Dear Santa,

I'm writing this letter as I'm feeling a little blue. I hope you don't think I'm asking too much of you. You visit every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering if you visit all the children who have wings?

I know you are very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?

You see my baby lives up there, just too perfect for life on earth, no presents I could send to truly show their worth.

Please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled full of precious presents from their family on the ground.

Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I love them so, that my heart aches with sadness and my tears just seem to flow.

If you could do this for me Santa, I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in heaven too.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas..

Wow, it is the 2nd of December..

21st of November it was what would have been Taite and Seth's 4th Birthday. My babies would have been 4 years old. Wow. I can't believe that much time has passed.

The day was nice. Mum, Baby Button and I did a balloon release. I normally get blue ballooons, but I got red this year, as I was told you can see them for longer in the sky. Unfortunately it was so bloody windy, one of the balloons popped before we let them go, then when we did let them go they got stuck in the tree :/ We tried to get better pics but it didn't happen lol

The last 13 days have been better than previous years. I have been on a nice holiday and with Baby Button around, I have a very very good reason to smile. I always wish his big brothers were here though, running around and playing. I wish I knew what they were like. In looks and personality. I see Baby Button and wonder if they would all be similar.

So tomorrow is the anniversary of their death. 4 years since my babies died. 4 years since I last held them. Felt their soft skin and smelt their baby smell. If I had just one more day... If I had just one more day I would have more photos. I'd have skin to skin with them.. I'd put some breastmilk on their lips and around their mouths so they could be familiar with me. I'd drink them in even more than I did.

I DIDN"T GET ENOUGH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM. It isn't fair.. I want more of everything, but most of all I wish they were here. My perfect little 4 year old boys.

Taite and Seth, I love you and I always will. I miss you xx

About Me

I am a Nurse and Mama to 2 Angels and a premmy Miracle